Most days I’m comfortable being alone.
Today was not one of those days.
When walking to get food this morning I swear I saw every single couple in my neighborhood walking together…
Holding their children’s hands…
Riding bicycles cheerfully as if they have never fought a day in their lives.
Meanwhile I was walking alone.
Acting quite unlike myself, I kept my eyes at the ground, to save myself from the inevitable loneliness that I knew was surrounding me.
I walked into the cafe, ordered my food, and took my table.
The voices lowered and whispers began.
I’m not so vain that I thought they were whispering about me being alone.
But it did make me uncomfortable in the fact that I had no one to whisper to.
I left the cafe without finishing all of my food because I couldn’t stand to sit alone any longer.
During the walk home, I noticed it was the most beautiful day we’ve had in weeks.
This made me so angry.
Only because I had no one to share it with.
I know I’m not actually alone.
But he’s not here.
It should make me feel somewhat at ease knowing that I do indeed have someone, even though they aren’t physically with me at the moment.
However, it makes the pain worse.
Because I know what I have.
I know how perfectly we fit together.
I know how much fun we have.
I know how much we love each other.
I know that I can’t choose when he stays and when he goes.
If I just didn’t have anyone, I wouldn’t know what I’m missing.
But I do know.
And I’m missing it very much.
tank: urban outfitters
glasses: ray ban
hat: village house